London

The other day I was thinking of our baby girl, how much I miss her, and how much I wish she was here with us right now.  I miss the little things.  She never was able to come home with us, we only were able to spend an hour with her in the hospital, but I can still see her here with us each day.  Every milestone has brought a new wave of grief.  I miss walking down the hall in church to take her to nursery each Sunday, I miss her running around in our home and having a basket of toys out for her, I miss shopping for little girl clothes at the store, I missed hanging a stocking for her.  We would be getting ready to celebrate her 2nd birthday here soon.  I would be teaching her to hold her fingers up to show me how old she would be.  Whenever I’m driving around in the car during the day while the kids are at school I think of how she should be sitting in the backseat, all buckled up and keeping me company.  She would be talking now, chatting with me in that sweet toddler way, learning and doing new things each day.

Sometimes I sit and wonder where she is right now?  Does she think of us?  What does she remember of her time with us?  She must have felt our love and known she was part of us.  I trust in God, knowing she is where she should be right now, but I also acknowledge the loss of it all.  I let each moment of grief wash over me, knowing that in the act of feeling the greatness of it all I’m loving her, remembering her, and honoring Gods love, His will, and trusting in His plan for us.  Mortality is part of this life.  I wade through this plan of His, the greatness of its joys and the depths of its sorrow.  I feel it all.  I miss her terribly. I see the hole that exist in this beautiful family of mine, a place where only she will ever fit, and I also acknowledge my gratitude to a loving Heavenly Father who walked us through the hard of it all, the unimaginable, bringing us out of it stronger and more open to all that life has to teach us.  He gave us the peace we needed to survive it all and to make the decisions we needed to make.  We will see her again, I will hold her in my arms and watch her learn and grow.  I look forward to that day when all that is lost will be restored.